Let the journey be shaped by the curiousity of the child…
The last year has been quite eventful . We traveled a lot, Miniman was born, I had two accidents (1, 2) and we have gotten a three month visit from Maxigirl. I wrote before about this bumpy road and actually how much judgement I have for myself.
Homeschooling is getting less and less fun and more of a chore. I feel like I am not doing enough, I feel not good enough to homeschool my boys. Ouch! That thought hurts, a lot.
The last couple of months there has been a lot of tension between me and Maximan. We both don’t want to quit homeschooling and at the same time it feels like we’re not getting anywhere. It feels like our communication is off.
If we want the same thing, why doesn’t it feel right? Why do we experience so much frustration? Where is our flow? Where is our connection?
And for the first time I am considering school as an option for my boy and it makes me feel awful. It feels like I am failing my kid. It makes me feel like I am not good enough. I was supposed to do this. It feels like I am giving up or backing out. How it doesn’t make me feel is good about myself.
I had a dream. Providing my kids with the education they need. It feels like when it gets tough, I am bailing. Which I don’t want too. And is not my intention.
Do you see how my mind works?
Apparently, homeschooling my boys is really important to me and if I would stop homeschooling I am feeling not worthy. And I want the best for my kids. It feels like I am stuck in this loop.
I think what I am afraid of is, when I put Maximan in school, he will feel rejected, ignored and discarded. He does not want to go to school. It feels like we weren’t able to figure it out, to make it work, and I am sending him away.
This goes against everything I believe in. Making a choice for him instead of making it together.
And at the same time I do believe he would benefit from this particular school. Where he is still able to follow his interests and learn at his own pace. It is like what we have at home.
As you can tell, I have a lot to think about.
It feels like a relationship. It has good and bad moments, but what is the right thing to do? We both know what we want, continue with homeschooling. Will that be enough to make it successful?
Right now it feels like “giving up” is not the option. I feel like Maximan and I should have another try and see if we can make it work. The toughest thing that might happen is that we discover (again) that this “relationship” is dead for now and we have to move on.
To be continued…