The Art of Home Education – * – Invision Education

Let the journey be shaped by the curiousity of the child…

Lessons learned in Life

Today, I realised something about compassion. I think of myself as a compassionate person. However, when it comes to myself, I am one tough cookie.

A couple of weeks ago I miscarried and I am angry and have been exhausted ever since. I think if I would have the opportunity, I could sleep for days. Now I don’t have that opportunity, but when Dad drives the car I do fall asleep and I get annoyed when he or one of the boys wake me up. It feels like torture.

Going back to the tough cookie part, I feel like I should have healed by now. I miscarried, okay. I miscarried a couple of times before, so I should know by now how it works, how it feels and get over it. I have NO compassion for me. No compassion whatsoever. And that hurts me. I am hurting me. Weird right? This is a healing process in itself. My miscarriage is teaching me a fundamental lesson. To be there for me, with compassion. And I thought I already was.

This realisation leaves me with an opportunity. To be kind to myself. To treat myself with the same compession as I treat others. To treat myself as I like to be treated. To treat myself as I want my boys to be treatened by others and by themselves, as an example. Because, what do I teach my boys if I don’t have compassion for myself. If I am “abusing” myself. If I don’t “respect” myself. I do respect myself, but I neglect to show it. I want to put non-violent-communication in practice with myself. Be kind. And I know it will be tough, because I have always been this tough cookie, but I can choose to change. I can choose to be who I want to be. Especially now I am aware of what I am doing. At least of this little part. I can’t wait to learn more about me. And I am scared at the same time. Does that make sense?


7 comments on “Lessons learned in Life

  1. Miriam
    July 2, 2014

    First of all, I’m so sorry that you lost your baby. That is truly heartbreaking, and just because you’ve been through it before doesn’t make it any less sad. Please, be gentle with yourself. You need time to grieve and heal, give yourself that time- as much as you can while still caring for your other children.
    I can totally relate to what you say. I’ve often thought the same thing- why am I so much harder on myself than others? Why can’t I treat myself as compassionately as I do other people? I think some of it is personality, and some is the way we’re raised. I was raised with the idea that toughness was a good thing, that weakness was bad, that there was always something to prove by being able to suffer stoically. But I’m trying to undo all that, especially when I see that I don’t want my kids to think of themselves that way. Good luck 🙂

    • Thank you for your kind words. I do think it has everything to do in the way in which I was raised. Being tough used to be the way. I don’t believe that anymore. I think that we hide a lot of our pain and don’t know how to deal with it anymore. But than again. Who am I? It is nice to be able to share thoughts and feelings in this way. Hugs

  2. Josh Moll
    July 2, 2014

    A hug for you, a cup of tea, some time to draw or write or make something. It is difficult to be compassionate for yourselve, but good!

    • Thank you Josh! Writing my thoughts down here helped (and maybe it will help someone else too). We (moms especially) are so tough on ourselves. And I have an extra handicap being a perfectionist with the accompanying stage fright. It is work in progress. How is your drawing going along?

  3. Pingback: Insecurities about Unschooling | The Art of Home Education - * - Invision Education

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  5. Pingback: The Silence around Miscarriage | The Art of Home Education - * - Invision Education

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This entry was posted on July 1, 2014 by in Just something on my mind.